The age-to-pee ratio

There are some things about aging that are a constant.

Here's one: The older you are, the more times you're likely to need to pee. It's the age-to-pee ratio.

It is such a constant that the need to pee is big business for pharmaceutical companies. If the vast number of television commercials are to be believed, we Baby Boomers are a generation that's always looking for a bathroom.

The sad part is they're right.

I don't go anywhere without knowing where a bathroom is. The grocery store where I shop, the bank where I bank, the church where I pray all have bathrooms that have "Welcome Paul" signs.

If I drive from my home in New Hampshire to visit my daughter in Connecticut I know just the rest stop on Interstate 84 where I'll have to stop to pee. If the state of Connecticut ever closes that rest stop as a budget savings measure, I'll have to do one of two things: 1) stop visiting my daughter or 2) bring a bottle or something to pee in.

There are ratios ... way too many, in fact.

The age-to-weight ration. The age-to-cholesterol ratio. The age-to-unruly eyebrows ratio.

In all cases the older you are, the more there is -- weight, cholesterol and unruly eyebrows.

It seems odd to have my barber ask if he can trim my eyebrows for me. But it's satisfying nevertheless to get it done.

There's one inverse ratio: Age to hair, mostly for men.

The amount of hair on your head is inverse to your number of years. The older you are, the less hair you're likely to have.

On your head, that is.

The exception is your eyebrows, and your nose hair, and your ear hair.

We get more hair where we don't want it as we age, less hair where we want it.

The age ratios are the joke that nature loves to play on us Boomers as we try to hold onto the notion that we'll never grow old.